8217

i don't remember being interested in storytelling at any point of my life. i wanted to be many things: the prime minister, a scientist, an antiques renovator, a teacher, a bartender. nothing to do with storytelling really. maybe because i've never could speak properly, in a literal and metaphorical sense.

i like walking with my eyes closed. i like listening to things, and feeling them. i do feel a little bit uncomfortable, sometimes, lost in the darkness. i'm not as worried about hitting something or falling over, as i am about other people. i'm scared of getting too close to someone accidentally.

i try to work on my next film, but Uni work, part time job and the lack of motivation in general get in my way alot. that's something to be changed.

i haven't mentioned, i got into 6th London Short Film Festival (8th – 17th January 2010, mine's on the 13th), as part of the "Trick of Light" screening. cool.

8210

living in the world where there's no right or wrong, how can we be asked to take that responsibility and draw the line to define these? and yet, we are.
in the big Anything-Goes world, we're being asked to have an idea of the future. there's nothing to fight for, nothing to rebel against, nothing to embrace or neglect, nothing that would make any voice of opinion valuable.
and you asked us to make up some rules. again.
i find this uncomfortable.

after experiencing life as a human for a while, in which i failed miserably, i decided to go back to being a film making machine. it's quite a sad thing to do, if you think about it, but i try my best not to think about it, so it's fine.

here's s wee test for my next (hopefully) film (project working title: train). i really want to make a film in this kind of style, but i'm not sure if it's really gonna work. esp. that the story is quite long.

ps. i liked "the men who stare at goats". i actually liked a film. that's strange. more about films coming soon, as the year's coming to an end and the oscars are approaching.

8205

the Red Eminence told me the secret to life. it's pretty much like the secret of the Soylent Green.
i happened to confirm that i was a monster. film making, blue eyed monster.
it's pretty bad, if you think of it.
it's not that bad, if you don't think of it. thinking of stuff makes you go mental, they should have combs that you can comb the things IN your head, as well as on the surface.
i haven't been to the cinema for more than a week now. i'm beign to feel anxious. that is an illness of some sort.


i should be doing the only thing i can be doing: films. i should. i can never be forgiven if i try to do anyhing else.

this Wednesday my film's being screened at Manchester Exposures. cool. i was supposed to go, but i couldn't in the end.


- my colouring of Will Anderson's drawing, since he's scared of colour.

8190

it all started to feel as if it was playing too fast. "i don't like your pacing", i thought to my life.
all the wonders and amusements i had during this way too long weekend, including seeing people having sex on the bus stop, one couple kissing, that looked alot like that shot from 'spiderman', only that the guy wasn't upside down, then one man pissing, but completely naked, and some more strange people. then the rain was getting heavier and heavier and i drunk too much. i mean, not that much, but i was supposed to work on the storyboard, and i'm not able.
then again i had some guy giving me his number. again - it doesn't happen every day, but often enough for me, who doesn't do that at all.
i don't really get it, if i were to have a relationship it would so not start with exchanging phone numbers. i am a helpless romantic. i would never go out with someone just for his look (or wouldn't respect a guy who does for her look).
i mean, if you just want to get laid, there's so many more drunk women in the bar, you don't go for a barmaid who obviously won't be able to go with you that night cos she's working.
and if you're after something more than simply sex, then it's well shallow to do it that way.

if i were interested in someone, i would talk to them. i would talk to them again, i would look for a chance to talk, i would want to find out so many things about them and tell them about me before i'd even think of giving them my number and suggesting "i've got a double bed and it feels empty there".
i probably am a helpless romantic and can't find my way in the modern world.
that's how i never really look at this numbers i get.

in general, it wasn't the best weekend i ever had...